Motherhood in Philadelphia.
The mountains of expectations on mothers grow taller than laundry piles as social media and the commodification of good parenting exacerbate “mom guilt:” the seemingly universal shame mothers experience upon failing to meet growingly cumbersome expectations. Picturesque Pinterest board birthday parties and quixotic “momfluencers” have made a home for themselves in cyberspace and may distract modern mothers from being present in their motherhood. Will today’s children look back fondly on the balloon arches at their fifth birthday party or how expensive their stroller was? Or will these memories be overshadowed by memories of laughter and time spent with family?
Moms throughout Philadelphia shared their journeys to motherhood and what being a “good mom” means to them. Overwhelmingly, Philly’s moms drew similar conclusions. The best mom is not the one with clean countertops or the most gifts during the holidays. The best mom is the one that’s always there.
Shinobu Habauchi, mother of two
Habauchi is the mother of a 23-year-old son and a 22-year-old daughter. Though she currently resides in the Olney neighborhood of Philadelphia, Habauchi and her ex-husband moved from Tokyo, Japan, to raise their family. “I feel like I am always failing,” Habauchi laughed. “It is never-ending, always learning.” In addition to motherhood, Shinobu is a pottery artist while also holding a full-time career. She said her journey to motherhood is no stranger to trial and error. What does it look like to be a good mom? “I feel like I will never know if I’m a good mom. I just try to be better every day.” Do you feel like a good mom? “Oh, I'm not sure, you can ask him,' Habauchi said, referring to her son. “I don’t think he is going to say yes.” Habauchi and her son laughed.
Heather Sahagian, mother of three
Sahagian is a 53-year-old mom with three children, ages 31, 15, and 13. Originally from South Philly, she is now raising her family in Collegeville, Pa. Sahagian always planned on being a mom and is part of a blended family with her husband's children. She considers herself a mother to all of them. “It’s been really, truly amazing, honestly,” Sahagian said. “I think anybody that even considers having kids should just do it. It has been the most incredible experience of my life. It really has,” Sahagian said. What does it look like to be a good mom? Heather first turned to her children. “To be supporting and loving no matter how your child is, always,” Sahagian’s daughter replied. “I feel like it’s just being there for your kids. Nurturing, providing for, protecting them, coaching them,” Sahagian said. “It’s just been being committed to the kids and being supportive of them,” Do you feel like a good mom? “Yes, yes, absolutely. Yes. And it’s my goal to continue in that role because I feel like it just changes all the time as they change.”
Maisha Conde, mother of one
Conde is 23 and lives with her one-year-old daughter, Halo, in Fairmount, Philadelphia. She is originally from the city and likes raising her daughter in a neighborhood filled with other kids to play with. In addition to being a mom, Conde is a dancer. “It’s been really rough,” Conde said. “But it’s also a lot of learning. Learning about yourself, learning about patience, learning about your child. And just learning how to deal with everything day by day. No matter how good or bad it is, you have to learn that you have to keep going because you only have yourself and your child.” Though becoming a mom as young as she did was not part of her plan, Conde knew she wanted her daughter when she became pregnant. Though she loves being a mom to Halo, her journey to motherhood has not been without its challenges. What does it look like to be a good mom? “Someone who is patient. I want my child, however old she is, to run back to me. Whenever. Run back to me, tell me anything. I don’t want her to have the same problems that I went through growing up.” Do you feel like a good mom? “Yeah, I feel like I’m being a good mother. I feel like I’m being as best as I can. Do I feel like I could be better? Of course. I don’t get as many breaks, so it gets a little hard. But the important thing right now to me is when something goes wrong with her, I’m the one that she runs to. So that’s all that matters to me.”
Barbara Marie Whitaker, mother of two
Whitaker is a 34-year-old mother of two boys, a four-year-old and a one-year-old. She has lived in Philadelphia since birth and is raising her children in Center City. Whitaker plans to go to school for architecture and interior design and is working on starting a non-profit. Though motherhood was always a part of her plan, her journey there was not quite what she imagined. She describes her home and motherhood journey as “chaotic.” What does your home look like? “Right now, I am a single mom. I’m a single stay-at-home mom, so some days, it can be very messy, and then some days, it can be super clean. And then some days it can be super clean, and as soon as I finish super cleaning it, the oldest one is like, ‘yeah, I want to play with all my toys that I haven’t played with in months. So, it can be very chaotic.” What does it look like to be a good mom? “I don’t know. I’m in therapy, and we talk about this all the time. I don’t know what it looks like to be a good mom. My therapist says I’m doing a good job at being a mom, so I do get a lot of credit. Being a good mom is just being the best you. Every day, as long as you’re trying to do the best for yourself, you’re going to eventually do what’s best for your kids. And that’s it. Because you might wake up one day depressed, but you still have to be a mom. And you might only be able to give ten percent, but you’re going to give the best ten percent that you have. A good mom is just being a good you.” Do you feel like a good mom? “Sometimes, because I’m still working on the best version of myself. So, working on the best version of myself looks like me not always yelling. But my son tells me I’m a good mom sometimes. He doesn’t tell me I’m a bad mom until he can’t get what he wants, so I think I’m ok.”
Sharmian Gregory, mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother
Gregory is a 68-year-old mother of one, grandmother of five, and great-grandmother of eleven. She is from North Philadelphia and raised her daughter at 25th and Allegheny while working at a nursing home. She always planned on being a mother, but a miscarriage complicated her pregnancy. Gregory described her journey to motherhood. “It was beautiful,” Gregory said. “It was hard, but it was beautiful. I had to get used to it. My mother helped me do that.” What does it look like to be a good mom? “Having patience with your children, talking to them, and letting them know about parts of life they haven’t experienced, and letting them know what to expect. And try to stay out of the laws way, and do the right thing. Get a job and support yourself when you get older, and try to raise your family the same way.” Do you feel like a good mom? “Yes, I do, yes I do. And I love my great-grand and my grandkids. It’s been beautiful to me. We’re still close.” Sharmian’s daughter, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren all live in Philadelphia.
Alex Beck, mother of one
Beck is the mother of her 11-month-old daughter, Blaire. She lives with her daughter and husband in Fitler Square, Philadelphia, and works in public relations. Motherhood was always a part of Beck’s plan, but getting there, as she described it, was crazy. “We tried for a long time,” Blaire said. “We ended up doing IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) to get Blaire. She was born five weeks early and was in the NICU for a while. But now, she’s thriving, right Blaire?” Beck and Blaire share a smile. What does it look like to be a good mom? “Just being attentive. Wanting to share their life with them.” Beck hopes she is being a good mom.
Domonique Howell, mother of one
Howell is a 39-year-old mother raising a ten-year-old daughter. She was born and raised in the Germantown, Mt. Airy region of Philadelphia and is raising her daughter there because of its culture and community. In addition to being a mother, she works as a disability and family advocate and is the founder of Momma Chronicles Too. Howell always planned on becoming a mother, but the path there was not exactly what she imagined. “I actually thought I would have four children, you know, it was the whole thing, two girls, two boys,” Howell said. “My journey to motherhood has not been an easy one. But it has definitely been rewarding and definitely a blessing. It’s not at all that you perceive it to be when you’re young, and you think that you know everything, and it’ll just go the way you planned it, but the most beautiful things go unplanned, so I’m blessed.” What does it look like to be a good mom? “Whatever it is that you do to support, cultivate, and encourage your child. Whatever that is for them. I believe that parenthood, specifically motherhood, regardless of whether you birthed your children or you’re raising them, adoptive or however, is not a linear experience.” Do you feel like a good mom? “I’ll be honest, sometimes I have caregiver’s guilt, imposter syndrome, and all the things. But I think that allows me to be an honest mother, and that allows me to be a good mom.”
Amber Thompson, mother of two
Thompson is 34-years-old and has two kids, one living and one not. Her first son was born still at forty weeks from a fetomaternal hemorrhage, and her daughter is three weeks old. The two live with Thompson's husband and their dog in Northeast Philadelphia, where Thompson grew up. In addition to being a mom, Thompson works as a hairstylist. She was unsure if motherhood was her path but knew she would only have a child with someone who would help her care for them. When she met her husband, she knew it was right. What does it look like to be a good mom? “Just love them. And just be there. It’s really simple. I’m lucky; my grandmom raised me. I didn’t have a mom, so it’s very simple. You have just got to hang out with them and love them.” What does your home look like? “Right now, I am a single mom. I’m a single stay-at-home mom, so some days, it can be very messy, and then some days, it can be super clean. And then some days it can be super clean, and as soon as I finish super cleaning it, the oldest one is like, ‘yeah, I want to play with all my toys that I haven’t played with in months. So, it can be very chaotic.” What does it look like to be a good mom? “I don’t know. I’m in therapy, and we talk about this all the time. I don’t know what it looks like to be a good mom. My therapist says I’m doing a good job at being a mom, so I do get a lot of credit. Being a good mom is just being the best you. Every day, as long as you’re trying to do the best for yourself, you’re going to eventually do what’s best for your kids. And that’s it. Because you might wake up one day depressed, but you still have to be a mom. And you might only be able to give ten percent, but you’re going to give the best ten percent that you have. A good mom is just being a good you.” Do you feel like a good mom? “Sometimes, because I’m still working on the best version of myself. So, working on the best version of myself looks like me not always yelling. But my son tells me I’m a good mom sometimes. He doesn’t tell me I’m a bad mom until he can’t get what he wants, so I think I’m ok.”
Tondalaya Easter, mother of one
Easter is 40-years-old and raising her nine-year-old son in Bridesburg, Philadelphia, with Easter’s parents. Raised in Philadelphia, Easter wanted to raise her son in the city because of the opportunities it affords, from art to transportation. She has worked as a nanny for 20 years, and since she began babysitting at 14, Easter knew she wanted to be around children for the rest of her life and one day raise her own. “It’s rough having a boy,” Easter said. “They’re always getting hurt, getting sick, a bunch of sports on the weekends. But it’s great. I like it, and I wouldn’t change it.” What does it look like to be a good mom? “I think it just means to be present. Really, that’s all they need. They need you to show up for the most important things in their lives. Whether it’s sports, a play, something at school, even at home. Just be present in their life.”Tondalaya Easter, mother of one Easter is forty years old and raising her nine-year-old son in Bridesburg, Philadelphia, with Easter’s parents. Raised in Philadelphia, Easter wanted to raise her son in the city because of the opportunities it affords, from art to transportation. She has worked as a nanny for 20 years, and since she began babysitting at 14, Easter knew she wanted to be around children for the rest of her life and one day raise her own. “It’s rough having a boy,” Easter said. “They’re always getting hurt, getting sick, a bunch of sports on the weekends. But it’s great. I like it, and I wouldn’t change it.” What does it look like to be a good mom? “I think it just means to be present. Really, that’s all they need. They need you to show up for the most important things in their lives. Whether it’s sports, a play, something at school, even at home. Just be present in their life.”
Kate, mother of one
Kate is a 39-year-old mother of a one-year-old boy. To her, being a mom means being connected to the life force. On motherhood “I feel like I am supposed to be doing double the amount of stuff I have time for, and I’m just totally exhausted. And it’s also the best thing I have ever done.” Howell always planned on becoming a mother, but the path there was not exactly what she imagined. “I actually thought I would have four children, you know, it was the whole thing, two girls, two boys,” Howell said. “My journey to motherhood has not been an easy one. But it has definitely been rewarding and definitely a blessing. It’s not at all that you perceive it to be when you’re young, and you think that you know everything, and it’ll just go the way you planned it, but the most beautiful things go unplanned, so I’m blessed.” What does it look like to be a good mom? “Whatever it is that you do to support, cultivate, and encourage your child. Whatever that is for them. I believe that parenthood, specifically motherhood, regardless of whether you birthed your children or you’re raising them, adoptive or however, is not a linear experience.” Do you feel like a good mom? “I’ll be honest, sometimes I have caregiver’s guilt, imposter syndrome, and all the things. But I think that allows me to be an honest mother, and that allows me to be a good mom.”
Chiara, mother of four
Chiara is a 32-year-old mother of four, soon to be five children. She is currently raising four children ages six, four, three, and one. Chiara and her husband moved to Philadelphia from Rome as a missionary family sent by the Pope in 2017. Growing up, she knew she wanted to be a mom one day. According to Chiara, a mom is doing a good job if her children are happy. Do you feel like a good mom? “I don’t know, it depends. I doubt it sometimes.”